Top Ten Reasons I Could Never Date a Highlander

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Wal-Mart Has a No Shoes, No Shirt Policy 

Though it’s great you look hot in a kilt, when I need you to pick up the groceries I’d rather you make it through the door. 

Your Sword Gets in the Way of Foreplay

You can swing it two handed and thrust people against the wall. Too bad we’re not talking about sword junior. That thing is sharp, take it off so you don’t cut off my pinkie. 

Monogamy is Sexy and You Don’t Practice It 

I’m aware that you’re used to Scotland being a Man’s World, but here in America vicious things happen to men who bed other women while requiring faithfulness from their wives. STDs suck, and you most certainly have them. 

Children are Best in Pairs 

Not broods, not dozens. Two. Maybe three. And you damn well better be there to change a diaper Mr. Daddy, because it took two to create this poopy goodness and it takes two to clean it off the baby. 

You Have no Marketable Skills 

I feel very safe knowing you can hack our neighbor into 6.5 pieces in just under 50 seconds, but I really need to know you can use Microsoft Office, wear a tie and show up to work on time. 

Virginity is Expected 

…of me and not of you? No, hun. I don’t think so. 

You Bathe in the Ocean 

Fish pee in that thing. Stop playing hero and get out before an undertow makes you drown or an octopus wants a snack.

When You Marry, Your Family Comes, Too 

Your uncle smells and your cousin eats all our food. 

p.s. - I'm not that fond of your mother.       

You’d Confuse My Friends 

Are you stripping, are you not? Should they insert a dollar bill beneath your plaid and exactly what’s up that skirt?? 

I Don’t Like Bag Pipes 

Jazz is a stretch for me, sweetheart. 

Bag Pipes sound like drowning kittens.

This Highlander rant brought to you by 

the frustrations of Sallie and the incredible talent of author Julieanne Reeves.

Julieanne's debut novel "Razing Kane" will be out soon.

Stay tuned for details.